2am musings and artist schedule

It's 2am and I lay in bed wide awake but exhausted and having to get up in 2 hrs. It is always the same thing on the first day shift back to the day job. This mental block that blocks my sleep for fear of oversleeping. The joys. At this point i'm giving up on the idea of sleep and brew up a coffee and take to writing.

I have been spending a lot of time lately reflecting and taking stock of the people and things in my life. I was listening to a podcast the other day from Tim Farriss interviewing Derek Sivers. Sivers said something about having expiration dates. Like if you were this or that in your life, are you still doing the things to keep that status up to date? If you're a writer are you actively writing or has that aspect of your life expired? have you transitioned? or are you holding yourself in that spot with the ideal of what society says you have to do? or by fear of transitioning out of where you are? Have you been a good friend in the past? are you actively doing things to keep that friendship alive? If not why are you holding onto those disconnected relationships? Anyways you can see how one's mind could race on and on. These podcasts always leave me with a longing to be able to sit and have great conversation with people I enjoy. At times it highlights the isolation I create in my life.

The more I work through trying to figure out what direction I want to go with my art the more options it brings up. There are so many avenues one could go. Even last year I didn't realize just how many opportunities there were out there. My task this last month has been saying yes to more of those opportunities. Including some very awkward attempts at socializing.

I am at a point in my life where most the people I know are looking at how their retirement will look and what they need to do to make that happen. I have been over here contemplating how it is going to look to transition into the next chapter of my life. It really does seem at times the more i figure out the more I realize I need to learn or figure out what to do. I was even making inquiries into school. Is that the path i need to go to get to where i want to be or do i need to look at finding a mentor? If it was just me I think I would have an easier time making bigger jumps ,but having people who depend on you, always makes me consider how this will affect their lives also. Will the timing make for an easier transition for them? Will the financial jump be one felt hard or hardly noticed? It can really go on and on just thinking about the endless possibilities and i just remind myself just do something no matter how small. it can be easy to be caught in the cycle of fear and endless circular thoughts.

Now onto the physical art stuff. Time to set up my artist schedule. Today i am laying out my timelines for the next few months. I have 3 project to get finished up before October and want to make sure i plan enough time for each. In the last while I have been getting a better idea of what my abilities are in the constricts of time.

The first project is one for charity. I am painting up dinnerware for an auction event. All the proceed go to our local food bank. I always get anxious when doing theses pieces because I want them to be able to raise enough money to be helpful. At the same time i need to remind myself I can only do what i can do and to not be so hard on myself and be realistic with what my abilities are. I aim for grandeur but as i've never painted anything like this before, I think, I should probably aim for simply elegance first and see where that ends up. Oranges or lemons are probably the direction i will go as that is what i have been working on at the moment for my studies. Which to choose?

I have a two week timeline but have to make sure i plan it right so that drop off works around my work schedule and doesn't leave the piece sitting too long before its fired.

The second project is more of a personal one that may not even be used. I hope this logo design will eventually be used for one of our teams but if not i have been rendering it in a way i can piece it out into different projects. Again this is a piece venturing into an area i'm not very comfortable in. The style is outside of my normal practice but i find pieces like this thrilling in researching to understand the different aspects then trying to bring those aspects into my perception. This one is a digital piece and it has been awhile since i have done anything digital. I have a love / awkward unlike relationship with digital still. I love the range it allows me and the things i can do with it that helps me bring my ideas to life but I'm not in love with the creative process. I think a part of that has to do with my comfort level. I am still learning and learn something new each time i play around with it. Unlike painting that i find at this point to be more second nature i still have to think through how to execute things. So my bandwidth for handling digital project is very small. Here is a piece of it so far.

The third is in a general painting category. I am still working on my next series. The initial planning is done. Three paintings have been layout and the final pieces have been started on. I have 13 left to lay out and paint. and I have two paintings to layout for submissions later in September. My realistic goal with my work schedule is to complete the two submissions and have 5 pieces of the series fully completed. This time in laying out my plan i am doing so with the realization that i have been procrastinating pretty hard on these paintings.

I had to take a look and figure out why it was so bad this time. I came to the conclusion that it is because of the personal nature of it. I had also made a decision that i would try to show in Canada first. My initial plan was to show in Europe. I never had a plan to show in Canada simply because the objective is to create an environment of open conversation and from the conversations i've had while in France, Spain and Germany that is how the series idea had come about. As i started designing and coming up with ideas i realized that it needed to be shown at home first. That makes it more intimate so i have to give myself some leeway to process my feelings about that as i work through the pieces. In reality there was no way i would have been mentally prepared to do this series a few years ago or even recognize my trepidation and work through it. So i am proud of myself for coming that far.

It's time for me to get up and start the day sadly. Hope everyone has a great day.

Jackie❤️